Oswald Creery Loves Porn and YOU!
Everything You Wanted to See in a Hollywood Picture But the Censors were too Afraid to Show You (Lowell Pickett, 1976)
My name is Oswald Creery and I love pornog. Everything from the POVPornog to RegularPornog to ALOT of buttpornog, I’ve seen it, I’ve loved it, I’ve touched to it. I have had sex a grand total of 1 ½ times so I think I know how it compares to porno and let me tell you, pornog is by far superior. Would you rather make passionate love to a person you have a real connection with, or would you rather watch a bald dude ram his extraterrestrial level cock into some nameless’ woman’s hipsandwich?
But I noticed, that even though I have an extensive knowledge of modern recorded sex acts, I had never taken a look at the storied vintage pornog of yesteryear. The mythic furry vagines and normalish cocks of a time long dead. So I decided to view these films with the same scrutiny one might approach a film directed by an ITALIAN. But I decided that in order for me to review these honestly I had to set up a few ground rules.
1. I must not skip to the penetration shot or fastforward over the moneyshot (which I principally pass on due to the ensuing nightmares) and view the films in their entirety
2. No jerking it, you wouldn’t jerk off to 8 ½, so the same rule must apply
3. And the final rule, I had to view these films while at work at a high end men’s clothing store.
I was ready to view the pornogs that your father probably jiggled his dingaling to while on the job, and I started out with a bang
Everything you Wanted to See in a Hollywood Picture But the Censors were too afraid to Show You is pornog storyline at its absolute finest. The picture revolves around two porn executives in San Francisco who are pitchingideas to a faceless director by the name of CB. As the two producers pitch stranger and stranger ideas for the most vintage of pornos, you see the scenes acted out in full. The first one focusing on a strapping Caesar waiting within his palace, when a mysterious, body sized, surprisingly bonable rug arrives, that’s when it rolls out and fucking CLEOPATRA is in that shit. So what do they do, Oz? Well let me tell you, Craig, you sniveling fuck, they hammer out some semen with their sex parts my guy. What would you do bruh? Talk to a rug clad pharaohhoney and try to settle down. Nah, you suck her King Titankhamen’s dude. And on top of that, when you fuck a chick when she arrives in furniture, you finesse a rug out of it! And it’s nice, like super super nice. I’d fuck a gal if it meant free shit. Hell, I’d fuck a gal even if all she offered was a salt shaker or some shit. Fuck, I don’t even need to bang, I’m actually harcore looking for a salt shaker right now if someone has one that I can cop off of them. I’ll drop a rack. Nah, actually, a stack. Actually, after consulting with my banker, I currently have enough funds to spend $2.43 on a salt shaker. So if any of you lovely readers have a salt shaker you’re willing to part with, send it that and your social security number to 6969, Sunnyside Lane, White Oaks NM. Bet.
I’m not gonna lie to you people, I busted a nut to this shit. There’s a lady who has the clap and fucks this British dude, my ass busted. Didn’t even have to touch shit. Busted B, best nut bust of my life. This pornog will impregnate your love life, all you’re ever gonna wanna do is bust a thousand nuts. I got some of my nut on this 3,000 dollar jacket, sold that shit for 4,450 fam. Adding my kids to that you feel me.
Anyhow, if you’re into pharaoh fucking, British Clap fucking, everything fam. This pornog’s got it, and if you bust an excellent nut, send a picture of it to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will respond with a well thought out review in what I like to call “Oswald Creery loves reviewing cum and YOU”
Till next time, I’m Oswald Creery, and I’m terrifyingly alone.
Oswald Creery is a 14 year old boy from White Oaks, New Mexico whose hobbies include shooting, boob oggling, and smoking unfiltered cigarettes. You can currently find Oswald likely hiding within a tent in the desert while on the run from law officials and/or his parents.